goodbye mr. rogers. you will be missed.

molly sims is spicy. ok, that was bad. but she does give me that burning sensation. or do i have some STD? either way, enjoy your fruit.

everyone, give a big round of applause for doug! on the night of the 22nd, in an alley behind a porn shop,

DOUG GOT LAID.

some of you might be thinking "um, isn't that a private issue?" well, since he did make a comment about in a previous post, i figure i might as well get it out in the open. hooray for boobies! buy him a beer the next time you see him!

or just make fun of him for announcing the loss of his virginity on the blog of a guy who posts fruit porn.

i think someone at CrushLink enjoys screwing with me.

Hey Patrick-

Your crush thinks you're a total hottie.

Who has the hots for you? Click Here

Best Wishes,
The CrushMaster

(clicks on link)

WE'RE SORRY!

You are currently not on anyone's CrushList! It's possible that the person who added you to their CrushList has removed you, or that we sent you an email in error.

well, that didn't last too long.

time to fight the good fight...

from now on, i will write only happy blog entries. let's see how long i can keep this up.

motherfucking bastard

are strawberries in season? i have no idea.

ask slashdot posted the question "Advice You Would Give to Your 12 Year-Old Self?" and this got me thinking about what i would tell my awkward 12 year-old self (but i'm still awkward). oh well. anyway, there's so much stuff that i'd tell my former self (i know, i know, the physics don't make sense) that i'll narrow it down to these three things:

1. tell dad the future stock situation. so that in the future, you'll have tons of money so you can buy bitches and hoes.
2. your parents aren't pricks. it's their first time dealing with a teenager. parenting is a tough job.
3. when you're in a situation where there's a bunch of people making fun of you and you want to say "SHIT!" really loud, don't. because the vice principal is behind you and thus you'll get detention.

douglas coupland is cool because he already wrote something about this like 10 years ago.

pink lemonade snapple is nasty. just nasty.

i know, i know. i didn't put up fruit this weekend. but looks like no one's complaining so i'll see if anyone actually cares. i will now babble about what i think when i'm walking from class to class.

how do people who work at sex stores answer that eternal question "so, what's your job?" do they say "i work in a sex store"? no, that can't be. too crass. too bold. too freaky for the other person. how about "i work at a pleasure products store"? then the inquirer would ask "so what do you sell?" and they'd have to say "ohh, just lube, vibrators, dildos, ya know. same old shit. i think i sold your wife a vibrator last week." again, heart attack. perhaps "sales associate at a mom and pop shop"? safe enough, but too sterile. and sales associate! when did everyone at home depot start having the title 'sales (fucking) associate'? american culture is filled with too many euphemisms. euphemisms hide the truth. euphemisms produce false shame. it's horrific. next time someone asks where you work at, just say it. there's no shame in saying "i work at a sex store. would you like a buy one get one free coupon for a lube?"

a fucking great commercial.

(looks at hands) they're so small! (sobs)

gripping stranger? maybe....

i hear salon.com is going to shut down at the end of the month. is it true?

fuck you aim. fuck you.

so i get one of those CrushLink e-mails asking "Who has the hots for you? Click Here!" so for the hell of it, i click on it and this is what i got:

WE'RE SORRY!

You are currently not on anyone's CrushList! It's possible that the person who added you to their CrushList has removed you, or that we sent you an email in error.

fantastic.

Snapple "Real Fact" #34: If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.

"like Michael Jackson..."
"like my penis..."
"like myself because i live in the sewers with rats and only go to the surface to kidnap a hot babe whose boyfriend turns out to be a superhero..."

thanks to jon to pointing out that the rat guy's name in the Batman Beyond episode "Rats!" is Patrick. back to my plans of world domination...

nice melons. and the fruit looks pretty good too. (groans from the audience)

perhaps i should make a foray into vegetable porn? btw, her name's ehrin cummings.

i often panic about how interesting i am. too often i think that i am the most boring person on the face of the planet. it's probably true too. sometimes i wonder "wouldn't it be cool if i were a rocketman?" then i could say "I AM A ROCKETMAN!" to people who ask me what i do. or "wouldn't it be cool if it turned out my parents were actually royal monkeys and that i'm the heir to the throne and that one day, i'll have control over a large contingency of monkeys who'll do my bidding?" kickass. i can dream, can't i?

nancy: FUCKING RETARD!

ode to the rice rocket

i could beat them with...MY SEGWAY!

my worst nightmare

are they implying that kimberly is fast and easy? like a whore? should i be aiming for whorishly fast speeds? too bad, she's too attractive to be a whore.

v-day is coming up. i think i'll dress up in a rabbit suit and harass happy couples.

things i expected to see in SF:
bill - bill's cool. too bad he had to drive to SF at like 4:30. bought another gr shirt. must buy gary coleman bling-bling shirt to diversify t-shirt collection. but i have no money damnit.

steak - screw fancy italian food. a $12 steak with all the sides is where it's at.
lots of people wearing black - people who go to a.p.e. are not fans of bright colors. sorta felt out of place with my dark blue shirt. it was like that group of goths outside the theatre in high school times a billion.

things i did not expect to see in SF:
blythe - girl that doug was obsessed with in high school. didn't feel like going up to her and saying "hey, you don't know me but my friend was obsessed with you in high school." yeah, not a good idea.
monica - random. she just popped out of nowhere.
cs3 ta - i guess i should have expected this. he only wore black and looked like he played d&d...A LOT.

back to sleep now.